As I sit here tonight updating my blog it is harder than usual, my heart is so heavy. So A lot has happened since I last blogged and I now feel comfortable updating everyone on it.
-Since my 2nd Beta test we were scheduled to go have an ultrasound on a Friday to see how the baby/babies were growing. On the Tuesday before at 6:30pm I was at work and had a large gush of bright red blood. At first there was no cramping only bleeding. About 45 min later the cramping started. I was bleeding and cramping all night long. We went in the next morning for a ultrasound which confirmed what I was scared of, that we had lost the baby. That was the hardest text to have to send to the people who were not only my IPs but have become my friends now.
-I do believe that we were put in each other's path for a reason and I believe that we will always keep in touch. I do not feel it is my privilege to discuss their future decisions just know at this time we will go our separate ways. I have been so blessed to meet no only the IPs but their family.
-Everyone's question has been, What's next? And at this time I am unsure at what my next steps are. I feel in my heart that I want to finish what I have started. I feel in my heart that this is what I am meant to do. But the emotional part is so much harder than anything physical that I went through. I am a labor and delivery nurse and felt that I was prepared for anything that could happen. What I was not prepared for was the disappointment that I felt each time I had to tell them something was wrong. The failure I feel as I sit here unable to give them the baby that they deserve. So as of now I just pray that I will be guided in the right direction.